Implants: how to get big brains

By July 10, 2011 archive, humour No Comments

The original title of this post was “I’m so 3008! You are so 2000 and late” (Yes! I “took” it from BEP’s Boom Boom Pow). But then it occurred to me that breasts get more attention so I decided to put my mad marketing skills to use :) Sorry for the new title and the the misleading thumbnail ;) This post isn’t really about something you’ve never seen before. I’m quite aware that there are many, much cooler, movies and videos about brain implants and mind extensions. This post is about how close are we really and how “ridiculously-awesome” can/will it get :)

Deep Brain Stimulation

“Suddenly I was grinning from ear to ear and kinda giggling a little bit… :D”
“…So good you just don’t want it to stop! “
“…A whole new person! The difference between night and day.”

It kinda feels like a group of brain surgeons drilled a hole on the top of my head, stuck a wire in my dopamine production center (8″ deep in my brain) and run electrical signal to stimulate it. Oh! wait a sec… (jk :))

Bionic Eye

This is simply fantastic. The resolution is kinda low and it’s monochrome but I’m sure we’ll get there. Blind people will finally see (something). Should we thank God for technology and geeks-with-no-real-life or blame the bastard for not sending more Jesus-es with vision-healing-powers ;).

Subvocal Speech Recognition


Q: Would you want a cell phone implanted inside your tooth?

A: Sure! How long does the battery last? :)


Patient: Root canal, crown and a cell phone please!



The Human 2.0 implant (Two point Oh!):

First person view

Now available in do-it-yourself kit!

Main Features:

  • Communicate with your friends in the language of understanding and experience itself.
  • No more keyboards, blogs, and social networks. Real time communication.
  • Pictures and video are for losers. Stream live, record and share your visual, auditory & touch perceptions and even your mind and emotions.
  • Fall asleep instantaneously – (brought to you by Ambien)
  • Wake up on the dot. The Human 2.0 implant can wake you up at any desired time and disable your ability to sleep completely so you won’t be able to fall asleep even if you try.
  • No need for drinking coffee – 200mg of caffeine is squirted directly into your brain seconds after you open your eye (why waist precious  time).
  • No more physical pain – the replaceable morphine cartridge is connected to your blood stream and it’s release can be linked to your perception of pain. The more it hurts the more it squirts!
  • Simulate any state of mind that you want! Since the chip has full access to your brain and perception, it can simulate the state of every street drug that you can think of  (mdma; lsd; psylocybin; amphetamines; uppers; downers; etc)
  • Feeling down? Don’t look for happiness outside yourself. It’s all in your head! The deep brain stimulation technology allows you to control your sense of well-being. It can even induce feelings of ecstasy and euphoria.
  • Wanna lose that extra weight? Regulating your sense of hunger is a piece of cake. Yumm! (additional apps can be downloaded to induce vomiting)
  • You suck at math? Worry no more! This baby has a super-duper octa-core processor that will not only allow you to find out whats 20% tip on your $100 check but also solve some totally impractical and useless stuff like finding a complex number x = a+bi, such that x equals its own natural log.
  • “Just Google it” doesn’t have to be so time consuming. Since you are connected to the Internet at all times, large amounts of information can be  downloaded on the fly directly into your memory. Neo’s “I know Kung Fu” style
  • Games have never been more immersive. Pain really hurts and dying in a game feels like it’s the end of the world.
  • And many many more!!! The sky is the limit.

What’s included in the do-it-yourself package:

  • The brain pace-maker
  • The cell phone tooth + the octa-core proccessor
  • Bionic eyes (a pair)
  • Sub-vocal attachments (for silent voice recognition)
  • Cartridge concentrates (for altered states, pain reduction etc.)

    (Viagra cartridges are available upon request)
  • Medical drill (for getting that wire inside your brain)
  • Tooth extraction pliers (for removing a totally unnecessary tooth)


I think i’ll put this post in the humour category :D *grinning from ear to ear*
That’s where it belongs… or does it? :)

[learn_more caption=”Restricted area!”] (there are moments in life when rainbow tables, dictionary attacks or even brute-forcing won’t help you :)) [/learn_more]

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